Other people's problems

Dolly popped round this afternoon. Three of her best breeding budgies have died. She thinks it may be because the other evening whilst cleaning the cages she bumped her head and got mad and was swearing like only gospel singers can swear. She feels the birds may have been shocked and upset enough by her behavior to keel over. I suppose it could happen... Speaking of which: 

Dear Doreen,

I met this guy 3 weeks ago we really like each other but every Friday he stops talking to me except when the weather is bad I was out on Friday with my best mate Shaz he said he was upset about the way I was with him before I went out with Shaz even though I don't remember saying anything nasty to upset him and Shaz agrees what should I do?

L8rs, Kelly Molybdenum

Dear Kelly

Rejoice! Now you know that he's the kind of twit who will take the hump without even telling you why, and then "punish" you by not speaking. You're well rid of him. People like this sulk, in other words, they believe they can "make" you do what they want if they "make" you feel guilty... Either that or he’s what is commonly known as a ‘Free Flier’. Does he try to watch the weather forecast when this happens? You were probably talking over the forecast. That would be deemed as nasty and upsetting.

I hope this helps, Doreen.

Family history

Young Jeremy popped in with a fresh pile of queries today. He doesn't need to be a postman. He has inherited loads of money. He only does it because he thinks it's cool to be a postman with a name like Jeremy Van Der Post. I asked him if anyone at the sorting office minds about his long hair and the gold braid he's added to his hat and the epaulets. He said he didn't know and he didn't give a shit. That's old money for you. Speaking of which:

Dear Doreen,

I have a question for you and although it may not seem flying related, there is a bit of flying history behind my question. My question is: do you think we may be related? I’ll give you some background, which may help you decide.

My great great grandfather Geronimo Winnebago was an American Indian who came over to the UK as a young man during the great Huddersfield steel rush of 1851. In 1876 he designed the first all-carbon steel hang glider. It was claimed to be indestructible. Success eluded him however, mainly due to the rather high stalling speed of the glider, which was quoted as 93mph. The other thing going against it was the weight. Anyhow, the twenty gliders he made eventually ended up being used as body panels on large mobile homes and it is from this that he made the family fortune. Someone has told me that Campervan is probably a corruption of Winnebago. Does this ring any bells?

Yours Daren Winnebago.

Dear Daren,

Say these words: Campervan, Winnebago, Campervan, Winnebago. Do these names sound at all related? How can Campervan even remotely be a corruption of Winnebago? You stupid boy.

For your information, my ancestry is Dutch. My great great great grandfather René Camper Van Gogh left Holland (after a big argument with his brother over paint pigmentation recipes) to start a tin mine in Cornwall. He dropped the Gogh to distance himself from brother Vincent (who, bizarrely, dropped Camper from his name over the same familial disputations) and to enable himself to fit more comfortably with the locals – there being a good many Campervans in that part of the country.

I hope this helps, Doreen