ASBOsyouthinkthatsfunny

Dawn popped round this afternoon. The flowering cherry is dead. She wanted to show me her nearly new Nissan Note with air conditioning and power steering. I've already seen it because she's had it six months - so I was a bit puzzled. What she actually wanted me to see (she insisted in what I'd call a frazzled and slightly hectic manner) was the whitewall tyres. So she prodded me into the street to have a gander. It looked a bit odd I must say. In fact that is just what I did say. She told me that it wasn't any old white and that it was a colour exclusive to Farrow and Ball and it was called Ringwold Ground - an off-white oil full gloss - quite expensive apparently. She also told me that she's been to see the manager at B&Q to ask if it would be possible to ban Roger from, if not the whole store, then at least the paint section. And that he'd said that he'd look into it but it didn't look very promising unless he already had an ASBO (Roger, not the manager). Speaking of which, I received this letter via good old Jeremy Van Der Post yesterday:

Dear Doreen
As you know, one of the most hardest things to do on a hang glider (apart from rigg the bloody thing - why do they have to make them so compilcated?) is landing without breaking something. Well, I have designed this really quite very brilliant system and I want to share it within your readers. Look, I'll make it simple, it goes like this. You take off those teeny black wheels from off of the base bar because they are totally crap. And then you get some inflatable rubber (but really plastic) rings from the pound shop. Any colour will do. Then because they are a bit loose on the base bar (Oh don't forget to blow them up first) that what you actually do is pack out the space with old rolled up newspapers so they are a taught fit. Now I'll tell you now Doreen that if you aren't careful you'll bounce right back up into the sky with these babies fitted and you'll never come down. They do go pop quite often though so you have to be careful with your landings but the brilliant thing is they can be mended with a puncture outfit from the pound shop and they are only a pound from the pound shop. And if you are one of those racer types who likes less drag you can just blow them up just before you land. Result Doreen!

Happy landings!  Chris Swishswishsmoothly

Dear Chris

If I may make so bold - why not always land in a lake? That way they will never go pop and you'll always stay afloat - thus saving on the puncture repair outfits.

I hope this helps, Doreen